Regina is standing at a podium feeling very put-together. she is wearing a green dress and she is smiling because her teeth are coated in vaseline. regina is smiling behind a podium and she looks very happy and some of the people watching are smiling because they are in love with her and the rest are not smiling because they make less money when regina looks happy. the people do not know that behind the podium regina is picking at a round scab on her wrist. the people do not know that on regina's wrist a scab has come loose and now there is blood on her green dress. regina opens her mouth to speak and a mockeroserous comes out. the people applaud regina's brilliant oration and take many flashy photographs of the spectacle.
. . .
regina lives in a bedroom inside of a house. there are other bedrooms in the house, inside of which other people live. the other people are related to regina but she often pretends that they are not. sometimes regina sits in her closet because it feels like a different room inside of a different house where there are not people who are related to her.
. . .
regina is at a dinner party. she is wearing a purple dress that she thinks looks nice on her. regina hopes that someone else will notice that the dress looks nice on her.
regina has friends who are older and smarter and more average than she is. different people try to talk to regina about things such as the winter olympics, ayn rand, kung-fu movies, and the legalization of marijuana. regina gives indeterminate answers and politely eats microwaved hors d'ouvres every time the tray is within her reach.
regina looks around the room to see whether or not anyone has noticed her purple dress. she notices that a lot of people are staring at her but she does not think it is because of her dress. at dinner, regina is seated next to a man wearing a v-neck sweater and rectangular glasses. she thinks he looks like a fictional character and likes that about him.
. . .
regina is undressing the man who looks like a fictional character. regina has learned that the man does not live in a house with people who are related to him. his name is dan but in her head regina calls him mark because she thinks it suits him better.
mark/dan is no longer wearing a v-neck sweater. the song the dress looks nice on you by sufjan stevens is playing on mark/dan's laptop. this makes regina feel like she exists. regina does not usually feel like she exists. regina pulls down mark/dan's racecar boxers and begins to blow him. she thinks that mark/dan would piss himself if he were ever in an actual racecar. mark/dan massages the top of regina's head while she blows him. this makes her feel valuable. regina digs her fingers into the backs of mark/dan's thighs when he comes. regina's mouth is full of cum which makes her feel like she exists.
mark/dan gently lifts regina's chin with his index finger and says you're that girl from that movie, aren't you? regina swallows her mouthful of cum. regina feels like she doesn't exist.
. . .
regina is eating pizza with the people who are related to her. regina is related to exactly two-and-a-half people. the people's names are susan, rachel, and zachariah. regina is only half-related to zachariah because he is only her half-brother. whenever regina says this, susan sends regina to her room.
regina blots the grease from her pizza with a napkin. susan asks regina how the pizza is before regina has taken a bite. regina replies that the pizza is pizza-like. susan looks disapprovingly at regina. regina looks disapprovingly at rachel, who is eating her second slice of pizza. rachel tells regina to stop staring and regina tells rachel to stop eating or soon she will look like the blueberry girl from willy wonka and the chocolate factory. rachel says at least she's not a spoiled brat like the goose girl from willy wonka and the chocolate factory. regina kicks rachel hard underneath the table. regina enjoys being cruel to the people who are related to her because they make her feel like she doesn't exist. susan tells regina to stop putting the family through emotional trauma. regina tells susan to get a job and stop living off of her teenage daughter. regina goes to her bedroom and sits in the closet. she pretends that she is in another room in another house where there are no people who are related to her.
. . .
it is difficult for regina to work under the following conditions: regina won't work between the hours of 12 and 1 pm. regina won't work when her mother is on set. regina won't work when there is an odd number of extras in a scene. regina won't work when the props crew takes her favorite doll and makes it look "loved." regina won't work when there is not a tray of spanikopita for lunch. regina won't work when the director does not give her little words of encouragement after every few takes. regina won't work when she is wearing something red. regina won't work when there are townies taking pictures of an on-location set. regina won't work when there are animals in a scene. regina won't work when there are not vanilla-lime scented candles in her trailer/dressing room. regina won't work when she does not have her favorite pair of ripped-up true religion jeans to change into afterwards. regina is famous enough to say that she will not work under any of these conditions. regina frequently has to work under some or most of these conditions. this causes regina to feel distraught.
. . .
regina is distraught. when regina is distraught, she covers the skin on the underside of her wrist with melted gold crayon. regina does this because it does not leave a mark for the makeup crew to cover up. regina drips the hot wax onto her wrist one drop at a time. regina does not feel the wax burning her skin but she knows that it does. regina thinks that her arm looks like the arm of an oscar statuette. regina wonders what it would be like to be an oscar statuette. regina thinks she would like to live in a glass case in the home of someone who is rich and beautiful and talented. regina wonders how many of the people who own oscar statuettes are actually rich and beautiful and talented. regina thinks she would not like to live in a glass case in the home of someone who is crack-poor and untalented. regina thinks she would not like to be an oscar statuette. regina separates the gold wax from the skin on her wrist. regina notices that one drop has left a round red burn mark.
. . .
regina is in trader joe's. regina enjoys going to trader joe's because she is rarely the only famous person there. when regina goes to trader joe's, she wears her favorite pair of ripped-up true religion jeans and a large grey t-shirt with a screen print of minnie mouse on the front. regina's favorite disney character is minnie mouse but she tells everyone it is belle because that makes her sound more sophisticated. regina does not wear makeup when she goes to trader joe's. people do not recognize regina when she does not wear makeup because her manager makes her wear too much bronzer. regina stops in front of a pyramid of jars of kalamata olives. she wonders what would happen if she caused the pyramid of jars to fall. she thinks that she could reach into her purse and put on some bronzer before anyone noticed and nothing bad would happen. she reaches for a jar of olives and hopes that the pyramid will collapse and all of the jars will break and there will be free olives for everyone. she removes a jar from the middle of the pyramid and it does not collapse. regina does not want olives anymore.
regina walks to the aisle in trader joe's where there are trader joe's peanut butter cups. regina can't decide whether to buy a large tub of peanut butter cups or a small tub of peanut butter cups. there is a woman standing beside regina who seems to be making the same decision. the woman has long blonde hair that is very straight. she is wearing a bubblegum-pink juicy couture tracksuit and chestnut ugg boots. regina notices that there is a small child holding the woman's hand. regina tries to make up her mind but she still cannot decide what size tub of peanut butter cups to buy. the woman turns to regina and looks at her longer than it is polite to look at a stranger. regina smiles and turns her attention to the large tub of peanut butter cups. the woman recognizes regina and encourages her daughter to ask regina for her autograph. regina smiles again and denies the fact that she is herself. regina picks up the small tub of peanut butter cups and leaves trader joe's as quickly as possible. regina forgets to pay for the small tub of peanut butter cups.
. . .
susan is standing in the middle of regina's bedroom. susan is talking loudly on her red blackberry pearl. susan always talks loudly because she says she is going deaf. regina knows that susan is not going deaf. regina asks susan please leave her room. susan continues to stand in the middle of regina's bedroom and talk loudly on her red blackberry pearl. regina tells susan to get out of her bedroom. susan begins to talk louder.
regina looks at the purple ed hardy lighter on her nightstand. regina thinks that if susan does not stop standing in the middle of her bedroom and talking loudly on her red blackberry pearl then she will light herself on fire. regina picks up the lighter and flicks it on and off repeatedly. susan tells regina to stop playing with fire and continues to stand in the middle of her bedroom and talk loudly on her red blackberry pearl. regina thinks that she will set the curtains on fire as well. regina wonders what it would feel like to burn to death. regina thinks this is a good character exercise in case she ever plays joan of arc in a biopic. regina sees a dangling thread on the hem of her shirt and lights it on fire. the flame fizzles out before it reaches the hem of the shirt. susan takes the lighter from regina and slaps her hard across the face. susan continues to stand in the middle of regina's bedroom and talk loudly on her red blackberry pearl. regina sits in her closet because it feels like another room in another house where there are not people who are related to her. regina feels like she doesn't exist.
. . .
regina is at a very glamorous party. there are a lot of other famous people at the party. regina must act like she is best friends with all of them anytime there are cameras around. regina stands with her arm around the waist of an actress whom she has never met before. regina poses for a photo with a designer who made a dress for her three years ago. regina kisses the cheek of a former co-star whom she despises.
when there are no cameras around, regina stands near the bar and doesn't talk to anyone. regina drinks gin and tonic because she is afraid of getting malaria. regina read somewhere that drinking gin and tonic prevents malaria. when people ask her why she drinks gin and tonic she says it is because it has very few calories and won't stain if you spill it.
. . .
regina is sitting in a grey chair in her manager's office. everything in her manager's office is gray. there are ansel adams prints in silvery-gray frames on the walls and gray venetian blinds on the windows. regina's manager's name is ken. she finds this funny because he is a less attractive, leathery-tan, super-sized version of barbie's boyfriend. regina is holding a can of diet pepsi because she has publicly endorsed diet pepsi even though the taste of it reminds her of sawdust and makes her feel like vomiting all over the dove-gray carpet in ken's office. ken has emptied two cans of diet pepsi since regina came in, and is now working on his third. he does this because he is very enthusiastic about pushing his clients' endorsements. ken asks regina why she isn't wearing more bronzer. regina reaches into her purse and pulls out a compact of nars bronzer and a kabuki brush. ken calls regina his little starlet. regina thinks about how much she hates the word starlet. she crosses and uncrosses her legs.
ken tells regina that he has a new script for her. he hands her a photocopied manuscript. the cover page is pale blue and the words little miss darkness are printed on it. ken tells regina that the script is about a moody gothic teenager named celeste who is transformed into a pageant princess by her fairy godfather. ken says that sean hayes is signed on to play the fairy godfather and nick jonas is going to play celeste's love interest. ken is very excited. beads of sweat are racing one another down his reddening face. when ken's face turns red it begins to look purple because it is so tan. regina thinks that she would rather have all of her fingernails pulled out by sean hayes while listening to a jonas brothers playlist on repeat than be in this movie. regina wants to start taking serious roles but susan tells her that no one will take her seriously. ken listens to susan even though susan knows nothing about acting. ken tells regina that her mother has already approved the script. regina takes a sip of diet pepsi. she feels like vomiting all over the dove-grey carpet in ken's office. instead she smiles and says that she can't wait to start shooting. ken begins to talk about the possibilities of a sequel and action figures. regina feels like she doesn't exist.
. . .
regina is walking the perimeter of the swimming pool in her backyard. the backyard is surrounded by palm trees for privacy. she thinks that palm trees are the ugliest kind of trees. regina's favorite kind of trees are maple trees but there are no maple trees in regina's backyard. regina thinks about how winter in california is like spring in connecticut. regina wishes she was in connecticut. regina wishes she could go to school. regina wishes she didn't have to act in bad movies. regina wonders what susan would do if regina were found floating face down in the swimming pool. she looks at her wrist and notices that the round red burn mark has scabbed over. regina peels the scab from her wrist. the naked skin begins to bleed. regina can see little pinpricks of blood spurting up from the pores. a drop of her blood falls into the swimming pool. this makes regina feel like she exists.
. . .
regina is eating chicken francaise with the people she is related to. they are in an italian restaurant. all of the waiters are wearing red and green cumber bunds. there are tiny candles in yellow glass cups on the tables. zachariah is shoveling pasta into his mouth with his fingers. there is a butter-stain on his blue ed hardy t-shirt. this makes regina feel embarrassed. she begins to cut her chicken into bite-sized squares.
susan asks regina how her chicken is. regina says that it is fine. susan asks regina if she would like wine with dinner. regina reminds her mother that she is fifteen years old. rachel says that she would like wine with dinner. regina reminds rachel that she is nine years old.
susan asks a waiter to put grated parmesan cheese on her chicken francaise. this makes regina feel annoyed. the waiter is young, and has gray eyes that are attractive and a patch of acne under his jawline that is not attractive. he stares at regina longer than it is polite to stare at a stranger. he asks regina if she is the girl from that movie. as regina opens her mouth to say no, she isn't, susan smiles at the waiter and begins to tell him about regina's upcoming movie, little miss darkness.
susan is speaking very loudly. this makes regina begin to feel distraught. everyone in the restaurant is staring at regina. regina is smiling and nodding in what she imagines is a gracious manner. she wants to smash her empty wine glass against her forehead and slit her wrists with the broken pieces. the waiter is still grating cheese onto susan's chicken francaise and staring at regina. regina wants to tell him that he has put too much cheese on her mother's food.
a young girl approaches regina and asks her to autograph a white cloth napkin from the restaurant. regina has to borrow a pen from the waiter because she does not have her own. this makes regina feel childish. regina signs her name on the napkin and the girl's mother takes a picture of the exchange. regina is distraught. susan is now telling the woman at the next table about regina's upcoming movie, little miss darkness. regina wants to leave the italian restaurant. regina wishes she didn't exist.
. . .
regina is sitting in her closet. susan is standing outside of regina's bedroom door, talking loudly on her red blackberry pearl. regina eats fifteen trader joe's peanut butter cups. she begins to learn her lines for little miss darkness. regina thinks this is the worst script she has ever read. regina knows this movie will make a lot of money. this makes regina feel distraught. regina begins to drip melted gold crayon onto her wrist. she tries to aim for the exact spot where the round red scab used to be. a drop of hot wax lands on the spot. regina waits for it to harden before peeling it off. pieces of scab and skin are attached to the wax. regina wants to save it to prove that she exists. she throws it in the trash instead.
. . .
regina is sneaking out to see mark/dan. he picks her up in his volvo s60. this is the third time they have been alone together. when regina is with mark/dan her palms get sweaty. she giggles more frequently than she usually does. she watches herself as though she is outside of her body and her inner monologue gives a play-by-play of every stupid thing she does. in spite of all this, regina is happiest lately when she is with mark/dan. mark/dan suggests that they go to a diner to get food. regina is not particularly hungry but when they get there she orders a strawberry milkshake and steak fries because she does not want to seem like one of those actresses who never eats.
mark/dan asks regina about her life. he does not ask regina about her work. regina likes this about him. regina realizes that she doesn't have anything to talk about besides her work. she does not want to tell mark/dan about her upcoming role in little miss darkness. instead she asks him about his life. he tells her about his job as a sound technician and his roommate who has dreadlocks and the dinners he makes with organic food from trader joe's. regina likes that mark/dan also shops at trader joe's. it makes her feel connected to him. mark/dan tells regina about his blog. in his blog, he talks about the death of blogging. regina thinks that is ridiculous and likes that about him.
after they leave the diner regina and mark/dan make out in mark/dan's volvo s60. mark/dan tells regina that he feels like he is in high school again. he slips his hand under the waistband of regina's baby blue la perla panties. regina wants to push his hand away but instead she makes noises like a kitten. regina wants to suck mark/dan's dick so he will stop fingering her, but mark/dan will not let regina suck his dick. regina feels defeated and fakes an orgasm so mark/dan will stop fingering her. mark/dan takes regina home in his volvo s60 and kisses her on the forehead before he drives away.
. . .
susan is standing in the middle of regina's bedroom. regina is climbing through her bedroom window. this is not difficult since regina's bedroom is on the ground floor. susan is not talking loudly on her red blackberry pearl. susan is rifling through regina's drawers. regina does not keep things in her drawers because she knows that susan does this. when regina lands on her bedroom floor, susan stops tearing the room apart and begins to tear regina apart. susan is very good at hurting regina without leaving marks for the makeup crews to cover up. regina does not understand how something can be so painful and not leave anything behind. regina thinks that if she were a punch she would leave behind a bruise that would turn purple immediately and go through all stages of blue and green before slowly fading to the color of the inside of a rotting banana. when susan is satisfied she leaves regina's bedroom and does not say anything. regina sits in her closet and learns her lines for little miss darkness. regina thinks she will be able to convincingly portray a moody gothic teenager. she wonders what she will look like as an action figure.
. . .
regina is sitting in a gray chair in ken's office. there are four empty cans of diet pepsi on ken's desk. ken is reaching underneath his desk for another can of diet pepsi. there is a stack of tabloids on ken's desk. the headline is bold and italicized. it reads: regina caught red handed!!!! the word red is printed in red ink. underneath the headline is a photograph of regina leaving trader joe's with a small tub of trader joe's peanut butter cups. the photograph is of poor quality but the girl in the photograph is clearly recognizable as regina. in the photograph, regina looks as though she is racked with guilt. in the accompanying article, the tabloid speculates that regina's shoplifting problem is a result of her recent breakup with a former co-star. regina thinks this is hilarious. ken does not. ken's face is turning red. his skin looks like melting rawhide. regina crosses and uncrosses her legs. she is not wearing any bronzer and did not bring any with her. ken chugs the rest of his diet pepsi and crushes the empty can in his fist. he says I've had it up to here with the paparazzi trying to make you look bad. I'm gonna sue their asses for libel. ken picks up the receiver of his desk phone and slams it down again.
regina says it's true, I did technically steal them. ken's face is now very, very red. regina imagines that there is steam coming out of his ears like a cartoon character having a conniption fit. ken slams his fist into his open palm and bites the insides of his lips so that his mouth forms a perfect line. he leans back in his chair. regina can tell that ken is trying to act fatherly. she finds this highly amusing. regina thinks this is one of the most entertaining meetings she has ever had. ken asks regina to explain herself. regina tells ken what happened with the woman in the peanut butter cup aisle and how she didn't like being recognized and wanted to get out of the store as quickly as possible. I didn't mean to steal them, she says. she puts forth a small amount of effort towards looking penitent.
ken opens another can of diet pepsi. he offers one to regina and she takes it but does not open it. regina can tell that ken is formulating a plan. ken chews on the inside of his cheek while he thinks. regina crosses and uncrosses her legs. she thinks about how mark/dan's black t-shirt smelled like saltwater and weed the last time she saw him. she thinks about the scab on her wrist.
ken chews on the inside of his cheek for a long time. eventually he says press conference. regina thinks that is unnecessary but doesn't say so. instead she says what will I wear? ken suggests chanel because it exudes class and implies that the wearer is too wealthy to shoplift.
. . .
regina is having coffee with susan. susan is drinking black coffee and eating a large apple muffin covered in icing and crumb topping. regina is drinking a low-fat iced caramel macchiato with whipped cream on top. sitting in the middle of the table is a copy of a tabloid with regina's picture on the front.
susan tells regina that whipped cream adds empty calories. regina doesn't say anything. she watches susan tear the top off her muffin and put half of it into her mouth all at once. regina tells susan about the press conference. susan tells regina that this is a blessing in disguise. susan's red blackberry pearl rings. her ringtone is swagger like us by m.i.a. she answers it. it is ken. susan tells ken that this publicity stunt will make regina much more believable as a moody gothic teenager in little miss darkness. regina uses a stirring stick to eat the whipped cream from her macchiato. when it is gone, she goes inside to ask for more whipped cream. susan doesn't notice that regina has left the table. regina comes back and uses the same stirring stick to eat the new whipped cream from her macchiato. regina wonders how much whipped cream she would have to eat to be too fat to give a press conference. regina feels like she doesn't exist.
. . .
regina is being fitted for a dress for her press conference. the room she is in reminds her of the studio in connecticut where she took ballet lessons before she moved to california. regina likes the way the squares of sunlight fall on the blond wood floor. she would like them better if the shadows of palm trees did not obscure the light.
regina is standing on top of a three-legged stool. a green jersey dress is hanging on her body. a spindly woman in her mid-sixties is pinning the dress so that it glides over regina's skinny curves. the woman is wearing a grey bouclé suit. her pantyhose are translucent black, with perfectly straight seams running up the backs of her knobby legs. the woman's hands are cold. regina shivers when the hands graze her thigh. the woman sucks a pinprick of blood from her thumb and continues to pin the dress. regina thinks that she would like to ask the woman about her life but feels that would be inappropriate. instead she concentrates on standing very still. she wonders if mark/dan will see the press conference. she thinks he would like the green dress she is wearing. she thinks she would not like for mark/dan to see her wearing as much bronzer as she will have to wear for the press conference. the woman pulls the dress over regina's head without warning. regina is standing in a square of sunlight, wearing only a black lace bra and boyshorts. the shadow of a palm tree falls across her foot.
regina gathers her clothes and tells the woman that someone will be by to pick up the dress tomorrow. the woman nods and leaves the room. regina wishes that the woman had smiled.
. . .
mark/dan is waiting for regina outside of the atelier. regina gets into his volvo s60. mark/dan drives to santa monica. regina is worried that someone in santa monica will recognize her. there is a pair of red ray-ban wayfarers in the cup holder of mark/dan's volvo s60. regina asks if she can borrow them and mark/dan says yes. regina braids her long brown hair into pigtails. there is a black hooded sweatshirt in the back seat of mark/dan's volvo s60. regina asks if she can borrow it and mark/dan says yes.
regina looks at her reflection in the side of mark/dan's volvo s60. she does not look like herself. this makes regina feel like she exists. regina and mark/dan sit on the ledge of the fountain on the promenade and chain-smoke parliaments. afterward, they go to pinkberry. regina gets green tea yogurt with mochi and almonds. mark/dan gets plain yogurt with raspberries and chocolate chips. they eat inside. regina does not take off the wayfarers. nobody recognizes her. this makes regina feel happy.
regina feels spontaneous. regina sits on mark/dan's lap and makes out with him in the middle of the pinkberry on the promenade in santa monica.
. . .
regina is on her way to the press conference. she is wearing a green jersey dress. the dress is chanel. it was expensive enough to imply that she does not need to shoplift. susan is driving regina to the press conference. regina wishes that she had control of her own money. if she did, she would hire a driver so that susan did not have to accompany her everywhere she wanted to go. susan will not let regina hire a driver.
susan wrote a statement for regina to read at the press conference. regina thinks that the statement is poorly written. regina does not want to read susan's statement. the statement mentions regina's upcoming movie, little miss darkness, seven times. regina does not want to mention her upcoming movie. regina does not want to make a statement. regina does not want to give a press conference in the green jersey dress. in the front seat, susan is talking to ken on her red blackberry pearl. regina feels like she doesn't exist.
. . .
regina is about to step behind the podium to give a press conference. she applies a coat of vaseline to her teeth so that she will keep smiling no matter what happens. ken is standing behind her, massaging her shoulders. regina feels cheap when ken massages her shoulders. ken pulls a compact of nars bronzer out of his trouser pocket. he begins to apply bronzer to the apples of regina's cheeks. regina has already applied bronzer or had it applied to her four times. regina feels insignificant in comparison to the layers of nars bronzer on her skin. regina thinks that she would rather be behind the podium giving a press conference than be massaged and bronzed by ken. she moves towards the entrance to the conference room. ken says sparkle sweetie! sparkle my little starlet! regina thinks about how much she hates the word sparkle.
. . .
regina is standing behind the podium. regina is smiling. the paparazzi are taking pictures. regina cannot see anything because there are little blue-green spots in front of her eyes. regina picks at a round red scab on the inside of her wrist. the scab falls to the floor but no one seems to notice. regina presses her wrist to her thigh to stop the bleeding. there is a dark spot on the green dress. regina does not want to give a press conference.
regina realizes she has forgotten the statement that her mother wrote. this makes regina feel like she exists. regina smiles. it is not because she has vaseline on her teeth.
regina contemplates the end of her career. she thinks about ripping the green chanel jersey dress off of her body and making out with the nearest member of the paparazzi. she thinks about expressing her political opinions. she thinks about pretending to be a racist.
regina can see ken standing to the side of the stage. ken is trying to look fatherly and encouraging. regina thinks about what ken would do if she ripped off the green chanel jersey dress and made out with a member of the paparazzi. regina thinks about ken's face turning the color of an overripe plum. regina thinks about his wrinkled skin slipping off in one piece. regina thinks about the squishy yellow fruit underneath. regina smiles. the paparazzi snap a hundred shots of the smile. regina brushes a stray strand of hair from in front of her face. she is glad that she did not tell mark/dan about the press conference. she knows that mark/dan doesn't watch tv or listen to any radio stations that are not npr.
regina opens her mouth. a mockeroserous comes out.